Happy International Bad Candy Day!

© Celine Sparks, 2023

It wouldn’t be Valentine’s Day if you didn’t gag on some really bad candy. This is a tradition dating back to the time that Cupid’s mother ran out of sugar and substituted apricots. Don’t be too hard on her. She had an oversized baby who could barely keep his diaper on, and dragged out the bow and arrow no matter how many times they put safety locks on all the hiding places.

Anyway, the chocolate candy was a disaster that year, and so instead of eating it themselves, all that was left to do was conceal it in heart-shaped boxes and if they put enough satiny red cardboard on it, and a ribbon, some unassuming customer would buy it, and for some reason, think the contents were edible.

It’s not so far removed from the Adam and Eve episode, remember? She was told, “You will not surely die.” She fell for it, and gave a piece of the goods to her true love.

Fast forward twelve thousand years. We’re still doing the same thing. Oh sometimes we fish in the box and get something good like caramel or coconut. That’s the bait. The next thing we know, we’ve got raspberry goop inside a human mouth where it never should have gone. And we actually give this to people we love, whispering to ourselves until we believe it, “He shall not surely die.”

I have learned over the years not to put these directly in my mouth, but to kind of pull them apart with my fingers enough to see if what’s inside is real food or the prank. That way you can just kind of squeeze it back together, smooth the cracked part over, and leave it for some poor unsuspecting soul. It’s not the most ethical thing I’ve done in my life, but considering the alternative, it works pretty well.

In summary, that’s the history behind bad candy. But Cupid’s mother had another son – Cupid’s twin brother. She named them Cupid and Stupid.

You may know the story, but while Cupid was dragging out the bow and arrow again and shooting the heirloom china, Stupid poured out the entire contents of the chalk container. This led to the chalk surplus of 1429, and since everyone tired quickly of drawing on the sidewalk and absolutely despised using it up on long division problems, they had the idea to eat it instead.

This led to the establishment of Chalk Hearts Incorporated. Since no one was thrilled with the taste, the marketing team decided to inscribe messages on them, you know, like fortune cookies without the good fortune part. And without the cookie part. The idea was to say romantic things (Stupid borrowing inspiration from his brother Cupid) like “UR cute” and “Cool Dude.” Again, the age old theme of “Take and eat. You shall not surely die” was resurrected.

The problem is, the person in charge of the inscriptions must have had his eyes dilated at lunch because most of the messages on these chalk hearts are smeared beyond recognition. They’re near misses if you can read them at all, saying things like, “UR cut” and “Cool dud.”

So dear true love, stay away from the candy aisle. Give me something more sensible, healthy, and pleasant to the taste buds.

P.S. - Krispy Kreme has heart-shaped doughnuts.