Falling from Grace

“Then Moses and Aaron fell on their faces before all the assembly of the congregation of the children of Israel” (Numbers 14:5).

I can relate. In fact, I feel that deeply. I am truly in my “falling on my face before the entire assembly of the congregation” era. On March 14, I was speaking at a ladies’ event in front of – yeah, that assembly thing – and someone forgot to warn me that the stage was rounded. 

This is a great practical joke to play, building a stage so that one moment both feet are solidly on it, but move one of those feet 6 inches and, just like that, you’re trying out for Humpty Dumpty the Sequel, and are fairly confident you have a pretty good shot at securing the lead. 

At least that’s how it was for me, as I clutched the front of the podium on the way down. That was a bad idea as it started to tilt in my direction, and I suddenly realized it was the biggest podium I had ever seen in my life - like I’m pretty sure they just squared off an army tank and painted it brown. 

I lived to tell, and to fall another day. Soon.

Exactly three weeks to the day later, when I thought the worldwide laughter from the first fall had died down – it was lamentably live-streamed – I guess I missed the attention and decided to go for an encore.

This time we were at a national puppet competition of all things at the grand Gaylord Opryland Hotel in Nashville. I had coached a team of second through fourth graders, and they had a great entry, but I was about to make it even better. It’s a stiff competition, and every detail counts. The adults are allowed to help the team set up, the clock is running, and there are penalties if we take too much time. Professionalism and teamwork are all part of the criteria for a winning show. I was determined to at least score high in that category. 

I strutted in with my end of the backdrop, and in sync with one of the parents holding the other end, we mounted it as if we were in the quarter-finals for Puppetry Madness covered by ESPN. We nailed it, and were doing high-fives in our head when I was quickly reminded of another Bible verse, “Pride goeth before destruction, and a haughty spirit before a fall” (Proverbs 16:18).

At that moment, that person heretofore known as the helpful parent transitioned into the hereafter not-quite-as-helpful parent who decided for some unknown reason to adjust one of the puppeteer chairs, which is also a pretty good way to trip the director on her way out of the puppet stage.

Well, it’s a blur, but I remember hitting my knees far before any thought of prayer entered my head. My hands soon followed, and in spite of every inside-my-head begging of “PLEASE NO,” my head continued to quickly join the party with my knees and hands to accomplish the Great Face Plant of Easter Weekend, 2026.

There was so much laughter in the room for the next solid fifteen minutes that our puppet team took first place! I do what I can for the good of the show.

I’ve decided it’s just my destiny. I have fall DNA. My mother faceplanted so many times, and with the grandest crowds of onlookers, that the emergency room receptionists began to laugh as she was halfway in the front door, shouting, “Where’d you fall this time, Johnnia?”

It’s who we are, so I just told my friends that I was starting the “Fall of the Month” club, and I’d begin selling tickets now for the May performance. But the joke's on them. I went early. 

This weekend as I was wrapping up another speaking engagement, this time in Texas, I had pulled both huge suitcases out to the car, and was beating the clock to load them so we could get to the airport in time. I can’t even tell you what happened, but I think it involved my full-length dress getting caught on the full-length suitcase wheel when I was trying to put the full length pajama pants around the full-length soap bottle they had gifted me with. At any rate, I took a full-length dive, and everyone started getting excited and asking all the questions, “Are you okay?” “How many fingers am I holding up?” “What’s today’s date?“ “Who’s the President of the United States?” “Have you tried out for the Humpty-Dumpty Sequel?” “Do you do charity shows?” 

I just got up, straightened my dress, and said what I had heard my friend Charlie, who was 90, say. “People, calm down. I fall all the time.”

Bless our hearts. Me and Charlie. I’ll save the backwards fall into the bathtub when I had never intended to take a bath episode for another column. I’ll also spare you the golf course one, the church baptistery one, and the “Great Save the Balloon From Hitting the Ground, but Lose Mama in the Process” Christmas Tragedy of 2011. It brings a whole new meaning to “Here we go a’wassailing.”

Suffice it to say, I can watch reruns of Fall Guy, and be totally bored out of my mind.