At least no one was envious.

Not trying to live in the past. Not. I generally try to focus on important current issues in articles such as what’s going on with Princess Peach in the Mushroom Kingdom. But I’m making an exception for my mental health, because I don’t think I ever got to properly vent in the high school years about what I drove on the actual roads where people could see me.

It’s a little traumatic for me to bring it up, but it was an AMC Hornet. It’s okay if you don’t know what that is because truth be told, I had never heard of or seen one myself before the one in our driveway. And I haven’t seen one since. 

It was basically shaped like an upside down sourdough loaf that poofed up and hung over the edges. But bigger. Way. It was big. Like there were compact cars, minis, sedans, mid-size, SUVs, barges, and then this. 

I could deal with all that, but what I hate to even go into is the color. Green can encompass a lot of meanings from emerald to vomit. Mine was not quite either of those extremes, but remember those ranch houses from the sixties? Remember how all of them had green bathtubs that matched the tile? I was basically driving a ranch bathroom down the 5-lane interstate in Birmingham, and feeling like I was taking up four-and-a-half of them. 

The interior was equally inviting. The upholstery, if you can call it that, was reminiscent of Barney’s salt-and-pepper suit, but way more slick. LIke if you got into the back seat with any fervor at all, you better hope the opposite door was closed or you’d be out it in 0.4. Swoooosh. 

But it did have bells and whistles. Okay, that’s an exaggeration, but it had air conditioning. Now, this was the full entertainment center which apparently replaced the radio. It was two-fold in its entertainment quality. The first laugh was that it had a control knob for the blower which said, “Low, medium, high,” and I promise, “desert only.”

I feared what would happen if I ever tempted the car by putting it on “desert only” when I was actually just in Alabama sweltering temps of the upper 90s with a humidity index of hades. I also had troubled visions of this car ever being in a location that demanded use of this setting. Here I would be in my ranch bathroom vehicle cruising on the sand with each camel staring a little more than the one before. 

The second entertainment feature of the air conditioning system was that it blew air out of the top of the dashboard. I mean, I think they all do that a little for the defrost feature, right? But usually more at the window area. These were little vents within easy reach that would exactly fit your dad’s Cross pen (another article) that he was hesitant to loan you because it was apparently 14-karat gold. He told me when he loaned it to me that he'd never see it again. He wasn't wrong.

Well, I drove that Hornet, and have zero tolerance for any teen who thinks their ride is substandard because it lacks a moonroof or full-service kitchen. I’m sure it helped build my character into the stellar scatterbrain that I am today.

I just wish it had done it in a little more private venue where the whole tenth grade didn’t see me pulling into the parking lot every single morning. I mean, maybe the desert only suggestion wasn’t a bad idea.